did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
