i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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