sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
