new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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