i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
