i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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