Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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