You just made me feel so damn special
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
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Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
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How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
not ubering you a puppy
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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