I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Randomize
