I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
