my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
