Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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