I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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