she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
