Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
