Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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