Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
