Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
