Swine flu. Run for my life!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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