My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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