just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
