im having a threesome with these popsicles
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
