you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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