I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
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Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
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All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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