If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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