She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
