Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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