I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
