So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Actions speak louder than pants.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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