Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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