Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
