why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
mondays should just be called national damage control day
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
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