There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
