Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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