So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
