Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
