Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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