Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
