I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
