he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
