we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
