The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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