I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
