I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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