you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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