I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
