So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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