i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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