I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
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I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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