I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
