The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
