I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
