i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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