don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
