Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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