I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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