So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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