dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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