if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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