i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
