Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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